Hipster Jordan's Garbage Emporium

And now we’re approaching the end of our wild look at 2011 with December, As you may have guessed, not that much has been going on because of “the holidays”, but that doesn’t mean things happened. Here’s what happened in the final month of December 2011.

DECEMBER 2011

We start December with the ongoing bitch-fest that is “The Video Game Awards“, at one part – we’re trying to make an actual award show out of video games, the other part – we’re trying to show that video games are nothing more than teabagging. Additionally, the VGAs have become more like E3 and in some ways Comic-Con, where the major products – the video games, are only secondary to whatever c-list celebrities they can dig up. If you put Mark Hamill in the fucking back and give “The Joker” the award for Character of the Year, which he played. That’s fucked up!

Next is the Russian-Roulette inspired game show Who’s Still Standing. In this show, one player goes up against 10 people in a trivia match to win amounts ranging from $1,000 to $20,000. If they run out of time answering a question, they drop through a trapdoor. It’s okay, if you are confused or forgot, they’ll remind you every three minutes about “Drop Ten for a Million”. The only good part about the show is the host, Ben Bailey. The Cash Cab guy! He has a natural talent for hosting these game shows.

Next, the gobble-down-rectums and jump off helicopters game show Fear Factor is back and bigger and better than ever. The “first stunts” all seem to have been previous final stunts on the last rendition of the series. The “Gross Outs” have now been multiplied, and the final stunts are all flashier and seem like they’ve come out of Michael Bay Movies. The best part about this show is the fact they managed to get Joe Rogan back on board with this project. His arms have gotten beefier and tattooed and now is someone I don’t want to fuck with at any place, any where at any time.

We got our Christmas Blockbuster! Thanks to Tom Cruise we got Mission Impossible 4 – Ghost Protocol another movie in the Mission Impossible franchise, and once again we’re seeing extreme stunts and over-the-top action with Ethan Hunt trying to get his reputation back in order, as well as rebuilding a team, even if it is with new people.

I have no idea why they keep making these movies, if you wanted to here terrible high pitched singing that fucks up classic songs, then you’ll just watch Glee. But in Alvin and the Chipmunks : Chipwrecked you don’t even get that. You get actors who’ve probably spent a couple weeks on the project not really giving a shit and getting their paycheck and leaving. Alvin and the Chipmunks and those female chipmunks, for whatever reason, they’re there. No longer just have their voices high pitched, they’ve made it auto-tuned so it sounds twice as bad. Every song that is used in this movie is like another lethal stab wound in the chest to the music industry, or more specifically you, the audience.

Back from his crappy Uwe Boll movie, Postal Dude is back with Postal 3, unlike Saints Row which went over the top in the hopes of bringing comedy to a bizarre universe, Postal 3 really tries to make the comedy in the offensiveness of the product. Unfortunately, most of the characters from Sarah Palin to Osama Bin Laden have been a little outdated. This goes in the same pile as “Duke Nukem Forever” as a game that was outstayed it’s welcome, but we’ll never forget the fun times we’ve shared in Postal 2.

Hey look, it’s Mario Kart 7 for the 3DS! The banana peel throwing, star grabbing, mushroom boosting race is back, this time in 3D! Also with the addition of underwater boats IN 3D! and hang glider attachments IN 3D! If you love rainbow road, wait til you see it IN 3D! It’s a game that your kids would love to play, but there isn’t much that separates it from Mario Kart DS or Mario Kart Wii or Mario Kart : Double Dash.

While other “End of the Year” recap specials ended 2 weeks in December, they missed out on another news story – Kim Jong Il dying! The North Korean dictator and bootleg movie director passed away last week. North Koreans were morning their loss with a serious face, and I was too busy watching a WWE Pay-Per-View to care about the aftermath. Let’s hope that Homefront Trailer predicts the future so game journalists can cover it as if it was actual news.

Some people don’t have good PR. And Ocean Marketing was one of those places. The story goes like this – a fan of Penny Arcade was looking into buying a new video game controller before christmas. When the shipping date was late, he asked for the time and it was just “December 17″. And after a crafty debate, the people were basically calling out the customer, and it gets weirder than that. Saying how he’s big at PAX and so on. This got the attention of Gabe and Tycho who proceeded to cancel their booths at the con if it gets worse. Since then, Chris was fired, and is holding the N-Control accounts hostage like a baby after being cyberbullied tenfold over the customer. Goes to show, if you’re being a dick to people, it could cost you.

SOPA IS AN EPIC FAIL, VOTE FIVE STARS AND LEAVE A COMMENT. All this month, people were obsessing on “The Stop Online Piracy Act” or SOPA because it might destroy the integrity of the internet, or something stupid like that. It was the first “non-welcome” article I wrote for this new website, and it’s really annoying. Hey Destructoid, I know you’re Against SOPA and you’re moving servers away from Go Daddy in protest. But you might as well protest by not reviewing or using products by Nintendo, Sony, Electronic Arts, Apple and Microsoft. In other words, playing old Sega Dreamcast games while writing up articles on an old IBM Thinkpad running Linux. If it’s one thing I’ve noticed this year, is that protesting is useless. Internet protesting is twice as useless.

and finally, my favorite thing of December 2011 – Black Mirror. This twisted Twilight-Zone for Tech series, created by Charlie Brooker, takes a look believable worlds and realities if technology overpowers our civilization. The first episode deals with Social Media, The second episode deals with “User Interaction”, The third and final part deals with “Sharing your Memories”. All three are really brilliant episodes, and are great to watch, the first acts are usually slow, but it really does pick up towards Act 3. It’s fantastic!

AND THAT’S THE END OF 2011!

There are three events I forgot to bring up in the last articles, because I figure it’s time to predict WHAT 2012 HOLDS!

In May 2011, Harold Camping said THE RAPTURE was going to happen, the only rapture that happened was what was on my television playing Bioshock.

In October 2011, Harold Camping then said NO IT’S OCTOBER, and the only rapture that happened was I had food poisoning and vomited everywhere.

In 2012, Harold Camping will make ANOTHER PREDICTION about the Rapture with the 12/12/12 thing, and there will still be idiots who believe him.

In September 2011, Protesters camped outside of Wall Street to protest the unfairness of “The 1% over The 99%”. These Occupy Wall Street protests reached everywhere from London, to Los Angeles, to Washington DC in order to stop “The 1% from taking advantage of us”. If the problem was not enough jobs, it’s a pretty dumb idea to sit in a tent and camp out instead of looking for them. If the problem was taxes, with what money? You’re sitting in a tent you just bought at Wal-Mart with the tag still on it!

In Late November, they were all evicted, people from UC Davis were maced for protesting corporations, meanwhile people who camped outside of Wal-Mart for Black Friday deals were maced by a woman to get an X-Box 360 so rather you are for or against large corporations and businesses, you would end up being maced in the eyes.

In 2012, expect more macings and the Occupy people returning, but this time to camp outside Wal*Marts and not buy anything. TO HELP STRENGTHEN SMALL BUSINESS, DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND!

And finally, The Republican Debates. There are so many people from Ron Paul to Rick Perry to Newt Gingrich to Mitt Romney to Michelle Bachman. So many candidates and they all say the same thing – the goal is to beat Barack Obama. Some of them aren’t really specifying what they are going to do to “Beat Obama”, nor are they talking about what how they are different from the other candidates. Then again, I was more of a fan of Herman Cain, until he dropped out of the race. So now I am left waiting to see who doesn’t make the most ass out of themselves.

In 2012, expect one of these people to win and team-up with the person least like them in terms of plans. For the sake of laughter, we’re going with Newt and Perry. They enter the debate, Newt and Obama give a fantastic debate, it’s a war with words and it’s one of the best debates in the history of America. But when election time happens, people continue to vote for Obama, because they have this subconscious thought that if Obama dies, Biden would we a much better president than if Newt Dies and Rick Perry is in charge. Another four years of Obama, FOX News gets pissed, hope and change, hope and change.