This is an episode dedicated to one of the best YouTube channels that you’ve never heard of. If you’ve paid attention to my twitter or this site in the last month, you’ll know who I am talking about. The one and only Dr Video Gamez.

+5

In an after-hours 2AM video, I mumbled something about how pathetic the “blackout thing is” or something. I really can’t even understand what I said, it sounded pretty terrible.

And now I am going to continue my bitching spree, yet again, on the internet.

Let’s suppose, for instance that this poorly drawn person is “The Internet”

He is everyone’s best friend, he lets you borrow his CD Collection, his Movie Collection and recently DVR’d episodes of Dexter.

But, oh no! He is getting sick! There is some sort of problem with him…

All we know about him is that “piracy” is what’s making him ill.

For the sake of making this metaphor even more confusing, we’re going to pretend that “The Doctor” is Media Corporations, Viacom, NBC-Universal, Whatever. And their remedy to fix the solution is with the “Stop Online Piracy Act”

Yes, it would stop the cure for “Piracy”, but at the same time completely obliterate what is “The Internet”

I mean, he’s still the internet, it’s just a bloody mess, with tissue and organs dripping out. If you don’t like the crappy drawings, you have to forgive me, my illustrator FUCKING DITCHED TO GO TO MAGFEST WHEN I WAS WRITING THIS!

Secondarily, there is a “Protect Intellectual Property Act”, which is nearly the same bill that goes to the senate. And the same effect happens if they go through with it – Internet goes boom. It cures the piracy, but also destroys the brain.

Both Congress and the Senate have the button, and if any of them push it, websites can be taken down for “breaking copyright”. Forget about “Freedom of Press” or “Freedom of Expression” or your precious “Fair Use” – it’s over! BUT HE’S CURED!

Doesn’t that sound terrible?

What is needed is a middle ground between both industries that can solve this problem, and make it operational again. It’s bad enough we had to fight Net Neutrality for a long time, but now there’s this. Create a bill that can make both sides happy, can promote creativity by both the mainstream media and the internet, promote businesses on both sides, and most importantly – create jobs.

THAT’S ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY!

Instead, what we got today was a bunch of boo hooing because “Wikipedia” is on lockdown for the day.

You can still view the website through “mobile wikipedia” or by cache. This idea is fantastic, because  it gives Jimmy Wales an excuse to get you to donate more money for his website.

Hello, my name is Jimmy Wales. Remember that thing we did in January regarding the Stop Online Piracy Act? Now imagine a world where that happened 24/7, 365 days a year? No more Wikipedia, at all. College Students will be shitting their pants because they didn’t research anything for their research assignments, High Schoolers will be upset because it gives them an excuse to search “vagina” and see free porn. Won’t you donate to give these kids access to public domain photographs of genitalia? I’m not asking for much, just a small donation of $100. The economy might be rough, but it’ll be rougher if I don’t get my fucking gold plated urinal.

That’s just the start of it, not only is that going on, but reddit is closing up shop for the day!

You wanted to see some cat videos today? Well fuck you, go find them yourself! CONGRESS IS GOING TO TAKE DOWN MY SITE.

EVEN “THE CHEEZBURGER NETWORK” closed down shop today, which came more across as “Please keep the internet free and open, so I can continue to become the Ebaums World of this generation and steal other people’s creativity so I can continue making a profit”. Fuck off!

And one of my favorite websites, Destructoid.com has even decided to “Close Down” shop for the day, as a protest against SOPA. That way, you become so annoyed that you talk to your congressman about this!

WELL GUESS WHAT INTERNET, I DID! AND GUESS WHAT THEY SAID!

Yeah, my fucking congressman is on the fucking panel, AND HE’S IN FULL SUPPORT OF IT!
Oh and my senator is Barbara Boxer… yep I’m pretty much screwed…

But here’s an actual question – Do you REALLY think taking down “Destructoid” or “Reddit” for the day really got a message to the congress and senate?

Something tells me Elton Gallegly never watched “Talking to Women about Video Games” and Barbara Boxer strikes me as a person not in grasp with “those internet nerds”.

The Approval Rating for Congress right now is at 13%, this means that you are relying on the lowest rated congress in American History to NOT fuck up and destroy the internet. I mean if they vote “yes”, what are you gonna do, not vote for them?

None of these “Blackout” things work, because all it’s doing is annoying your audience. It’s not really going to “fix” anything, nor is it giving a “sobering look at the future” should the bill gets passed.

But you know what did work today? This -

Today, Google decided to “censor” out it’s logo, it didn’t blackout it’s website, it just covered it’s iconic logo with a black bar, and when clicked will talk about this crooked bill. It’ll still let you access it’s website, and didn’t try to piss you off into writing to your congressman.

Every congressman has a laptop computer, and unless they somehow have “Bing” or “Yahoo!” as their homepage and main search engine, they will actually have to see this graphic every time they turn on their web browser throughout the day. This is all you needed to get the message out.

And no amount of “tweeting” will prove otherwise.

This whole day is a “First World Pains” joke, “Wikipedia is Down”, “I can’t check Reddit”, “I am refreshing a webpage and it’s not getting rid of the Blackout Thing”.

BUT IT GETS WORSE!

ScrewAttack’s “Stuttering Craig” teams up with “The Extra Credits Guy” and a couple other people you vaguely heard of to say “We’re not going to E3 this year, because the ESA supports SOPA”. I get it, you’re fucking pissed off over the “SOPA” thing, but look at yourself – you’re a fucking game journalist. The whole job of a “Game Journalist” is to promote fucking video games, give us updates on upcoming video games, company business news, sales figures, release dates, patch updates, DLC packs and deals. Your job is to give me, the consumer, valuable information in regards to video games. What new video games are coming out? Am I getting the most out of my money with this game? How is my favorite game developer doing businesswise? Was it a smart decision to buy a video game console opening day?

Yes, we get news about “Demo of Video Game Out Now!” and “Exclusive Trailer for Video Game!” from time to time, but lately it’s been “Fuck Capcom, they took out Mega Man Legends 3, BOYCOTT!” and “Fuck Ninja Theory, they are castrating Devil May Cry, BOYCOTT! and Fuck these game companies supporting SOPA, BOYCOTT!” You’re not a political journalist, you fucking write about video games for a living.

Are you going to write to Cliffy B about his thoughts on the Primaries, next? Perhaps we should be treated to an article about “How Homefront best represents the situation regarding our troops in Afghanistan”. Articles about rather a company is for-or-against a lobbying bill, isn’t “game journalism”, it’s strictly political. Your goal when writing those articles is to sway your readers into possibly “boycotting” a certain company because they promote something that you don’t like.

Even though EA, Nintendo and Sony all flip-floped and are now “Anti-SOPA”, I still would have bought their video games and products even if they we’re for it. I’m not going to “stop liking something” and “boycott” just because I disagree with them over something, such as these “Piracy Acts”, I am a natural consumer whore.

If you guys are going to “boycott” E3, can I have your press passes?

Stop treating this bill like it’s “The End of the World”, if it gets passed – it can easily be overturned by President Obama or The Supreme Court. If Barack Obama says it’s unconstitutional, which he alluded to earlier this week. All you really need to worry about is rather or not The Supreme Court is paying attention to this bill.

So yes, SOPA is an atomic bomb that will destroy the internet. It’s a crooked bill, and the reason many politicians are probably going through with this is because they we’re paid off by the MPAA, the same assholes who Invented PG-13. But we’re you surprised? Politicians getting paid to vote certain ways, please don’t tell me you’re that naive!

I think MY FAVORITE TWITTER said it best -

]]> http://thebusystreet.com/2012/01/18/salt-n-pipa-or-sopa-rant-2414124124/feed/ 17 busystreet FRIEND OF THE SHOW FRANKEN-NET LEGIT DOCTOR JUST GO WITH IT, OKAY. He became yarn. ANVIL JOKES! DEAL OR NO DEAL? WHERE AM I GOING TO GET FACTS! I AM LAZY! GIVE ME MONEY FOR FREE WEBSITE! Gone in 12 Hours! NO YOU CAN'T! THIS IS GOING TO WORK, I SWEAR! THANKS ELTON! Google! First World Problems. The best Game Journalist in the World! http://thebusystreet.com/2012/01/17/the-best-scoring-system/ http://thebusystreet.com/2012/01/17/the-best-scoring-system/#comments Tue, 17 Jan 2012 13:23:51 +0000 Jordan http://thebusystreet.com/?p=14756 ]]> People are mad at the scoring system of video games, movies, or whatever. There are so many ideas of a scoring system that we now have to have a “metacritic” score. is 4/5 another way of saying 40/50 or 80/100 or B-? Is a 5 out of 10 really terrible, or is it ‘average’ as people want to believe?

If you’ve seen webster, or the Busy Street liveshow, you’ll know that I’ve invented a scoring system that goes from -5 to +5.

It makes it easy for the audience – because a “positive” score means “i liked it”, a “negative” score means “i did not like it” and the score of a zero means “i’m indifferent”.

BUT LET’S GO DOWN THE LINE!

-5 : NEVER GET!

You wish this never existed. You want to forget about it as soon as possible and pretetend it never happened. Don’t buy it, don’t even look at it. If you see it for a dollar, don’t even buy it as a memento. Nothing about it is worthwhile.

-4 : VERY BAD!

If you want to be a masochist and want to watch something bad, this is for you. It’s terrible, but if you can come out with one positive, then it belongs here. You might have that feeling watching Alvin and the Chipmunks : Chipwrecked.

-3 : AVERAGE BAD

It’s bad, you aren’t watching it. It’s most of the movies that take up Comedy Central’s line-up or a game based off a license. It’s tiresome, and is just made for the sake of profit, not entertainment.

-2 : KINDA BAD

You played it, and were disappointed it couldn’t be better than you imagined. You watched the movie and felt it was missing a few pieces, or had a ton of unanswered questions.

-1 : INTOLERABLE

Hey you watched something, and have that “well i don’t know” as to why you don’t like it. I mean it’s not the worst thing in the world, and odds are there is a fanbase that loves this, you just don’t fit in with that crowd.

0 : IN THE MIDDLE

Unknown. Your brain is mush, you can’t describe what you saw. Was it bad? Was it good? It was “a movie” or “a game”.

+1 : TOLERABLE

You played it, and liked it. Unknown as to why you liked it, but hey it’s better than an eye-gouging.

+2 : KINDA GOOD

For now, it’s good, maybe in a couple months or years, it’ll be forgetable and just become “another movie”. Remember that one movie with that one guy? This is that movie.

+3 : AVERAGE GOOD

You played it, and it was enjoyable. When you beat the game, you might trade it off for credit or leave it on the shelf until you get the urge to replay.

+4 : VERY GOOD!

There is rarely anything you can gripe about the movie or game, almost flawless, but it’s big on fun. Your Saints Row The Third or 300 movies go here.

+5 : IT’S A BUY!

If you don’t own a copy of this, you will lose friends and gain enemies. Somehow, someway you need to get it. Rather it’s a DVD or Video Game, you need to see this. It’s game of the year, movie of the year or whatever of the year. Completely enjoyable.

Video Game Bargain Bins are one of the purest joys a gamer could have. Sure, you’ll get Madden 2006 or “Cool Hand Luke : The Game” in the bin most of the time, other times you’ll find classics like Burnout : Paradise or Marvel vs Capcom 3. It really is like looking for Buried Treasure.

However, it’s nearly impossible to sell the crap games, and still end up with a profit.
Alternatively, it’s really difficult to entice people into buying bargain bin video games.

Luckily I have the solution – Blind Boxes!

If you’ve been to an Urban Outfitters, a Toy Store or Disneyland in the last couple years, you’ll know exactly what these things are. People pay $5-$25 for a box, they do not know the contents of the box until they open it and once it’s been opened, there is no going back. Your $10 investment hoping for a “Peter Griffin” figurine might end up giving you Meg Griffin. It’s almost “High Stakes Capsule Toy Buying”.

Here’s my idea – take that concept and adapt it into video game sales.

The idea is simple – you wrap around the game case a black piece of paper, if you want to make it easier for the customers – separate the wrapping per console – PS3, 360, Wii, whatever. Maybe add a bow during Christmas shopping.

Next – you place them up against the shelf, like most video games. But it’ll be confusing because the entire wall is littered with these black cases.

Then, you charge people $10 to pick a game from the shelf…

If you want to be nice about it – you can give off the list off possible video games. Be sure that you wrapped a major AAA Title and placed it on the shelf, to make it the “rare” video game, that way you know it’s not entirely made of crappy video games and you’re making people waste their money.

When they open the case, there is no going back. If they want to sell it back to you, they are only getting $1. Who knows if they’ll get two copies of “Guitar Hero 2″ sans controller, or if they’ll actually get “Skyrim”. It’s all random chance. And no doubt it’ll increase the number of buys in the game store. Madden 2006 or Madden 2012? Deus Ex : Human Revolution or “The Simpsons Game”. The choices are in their hands.

I am sorry. I am so sorry. On behalf of the entire Ventura County, I am sorry. I am sorry someone like her exists in our town. I am sorry. Once again, I’m sorry. On this episode, we take a look at a Girl Scout who wants us to NOT buy Girl Scout cookies… I’m sorry.

-5

EDIT: Ah fuck, she said “12th Grade” not “12 years old”, i’m sorry, still sorry. :(

in tonights episode, we go trolling in real life, by looking at the channel youvebeentrolled1 where a group of friends redefine “trolling” in their own way. and we also introduce the rating scale for the show. it’s the -5 to +5 scale. negatives are bad, positives are good, 0 is either/or. but what do you expect from a group of kids who probably worship the ground bam margera walks on?

-4

EDIT:

Did you miss me, internet?

EDIT 2:

It seems like “The Trolls” have a bad case of “butthurt”, don’t you think? Rest in Pizza “Trolling”.

EDIT 3:

I even sent them a nice message, letting them know what’s been going on.

Person 1 : I like this thing.

Person 2 : I don’t like this thing.

Person 1 : Why not?

Person 2 : Explanation.

Person 1 : SHUT UP! YOUR TROLL!

Why is it so easy to annoy fandoms, some people don’t like Harry Potter or Star Wars, some people really don’t give a shit about Doctor Who or My Little Pony. But if you DARE CRITICIZE WHY YOU DON’T LIKE IT – YOUR TROLL!

Notice how I brought up popular culture, it’s because fans of internet celebrities are really really pathetic, no matter WHO it is. Even if you’re one of my fans, you’re probably an idiot. Thanks for the Subscribes and Follows and what-not, but you can have your own opinions too. No need to be a part of a hive-mind, it’s the Mob Mentality that really ruins things for people.

The way a fandom works – you probably like something. Then you try and find a place where there are people with similar interests, and then you make it “your internet home”. That is until one of three scenarios play out:

A: The site dies, you forget to update, are the only one updating, and are the last person standing in this empty dark void you used to call a “Message Board”.

B: The site remains the same, but you “grew out of it” into something else, and find a new forum to get to.

C: The site grows huge, now you can’t find “your friends” anymore, because it’s a field of people quoting lines from the show, or showing off sickening fan-art or fan-fiction or role-playing that you just have to leave the site because you don’t want to be “associated” with those kinds of people, but it is too late…

You’re like a man caught in an endless desert, just trying to find salvation. This equates tothe internet, all you’re going to find is a mirage. It’s not wrong to “like” any fandom, it’s your hobby, it’s your decision of what to watch… it just grows into becoming this huge monster where fans get creepy with it, that you start second guessing why you liked it in the first place.

And that my friends, is why Final Fantasy VII : Advent Children is the worst movie I’ve ever seen.

And now we’re approaching the end of our wild look at 2011 with December, As you may have guessed, not that much has been going on because of “the holidays”, but that doesn’t mean things happened. Here’s what happened in the final month of December 2011.

DECEMBER 2011

We start December with the ongoing bitch-fest that is “The Video Game Awards“, at one part – we’re trying to make an actual award show out of video games, the other part – we’re trying to show that video games are nothing more than teabagging. Additionally, the VGAs have become more like E3 and in some ways Comic-Con, where the major products – the video games, are only secondary to whatever c-list celebrities they can dig up. If you put Mark Hamill in the fucking back and give “The Joker” the award for Character of the Year, which he played. That’s fucked up!

Next is the Russian-Roulette inspired game show Who’s Still Standing. In this show, one player goes up against 10 people in a trivia match to win amounts ranging from $1,000 to $20,000. If they run out of time answering a question, they drop through a trapdoor. It’s okay, if you are confused or forgot, they’ll remind you every three minutes about “Drop Ten for a Million”. The only good part about the show is the host, Ben Bailey. The Cash Cab guy! He has a natural talent for hosting these game shows.

Next, the gobble-down-rectums and jump off helicopters game show Fear Factor is back and bigger and better than ever. The “first stunts” all seem to have been previous final stunts on the last rendition of the series. The “Gross Outs” have now been multiplied, and the final stunts are all flashier and seem like they’ve come out of Michael Bay Movies. The best part about this show is the fact they managed to get Joe Rogan back on board with this project. His arms have gotten beefier and tattooed and now is someone I don’t want to fuck with at any place, any where at any time.

We got our Christmas Blockbuster! Thanks to Tom Cruise we got Mission Impossible 4 – Ghost Protocol another movie in the Mission Impossible franchise, and once again we’re seeing extreme stunts and over-the-top action with Ethan Hunt trying to get his reputation back in order, as well as rebuilding a team, even if it is with new people.

I have no idea why they keep making these movies, if you wanted to here terrible high pitched singing that fucks up classic songs, then you’ll just watch Glee. But in Alvin and the Chipmunks : Chipwrecked you don’t even get that. You get actors who’ve probably spent a couple weeks on the project not really giving a shit and getting their paycheck and leaving. Alvin and the Chipmunks and those female chipmunks, for whatever reason, they’re there. No longer just have their voices high pitched, they’ve made it auto-tuned so it sounds twice as bad. Every song that is used in this movie is like another lethal stab wound in the chest to the music industry, or more specifically you, the audience.

Back from his crappy Uwe Boll movie, Postal Dude is back with Postal 3, unlike Saints Row which went over the top in the hopes of bringing comedy to a bizarre universe, Postal 3 really tries to make the comedy in the offensiveness of the product. Unfortunately, most of the characters from Sarah Palin to Osama Bin Laden have been a little outdated. This goes in the same pile as “Duke Nukem Forever” as a game that was outstayed it’s welcome, but we’ll never forget the fun times we’ve shared in Postal 2.

Hey look, it’s Mario Kart 7 for the 3DS! The banana peel throwing, star grabbing, mushroom boosting race is back, this time in 3D! Also with the addition of underwater boats IN 3D! and hang glider attachments IN 3D! If you love rainbow road, wait til you see it IN 3D! It’s a game that your kids would love to play, but there isn’t much that separates it from Mario Kart DS or Mario Kart Wii or Mario Kart : Double Dash.

While other “End of the Year” recap specials ended 2 weeks in December, they missed out on another news story – Kim Jong Il dying! The North Korean dictator and bootleg movie director passed away last week. North Koreans were morning their loss with a serious face, and I was too busy watching a WWE Pay-Per-View to care about the aftermath. Let’s hope that Homefront Trailer predicts the future so game journalists can cover it as if it was actual news.

Some people don’t have good PR. And Ocean Marketing was one of those places. The story goes like this – a fan of Penny Arcade was looking into buying a new video game controller before christmas. When the shipping date was late, he asked for the time and it was just “December 17″. And after a crafty debate, the people were basically calling out the customer, and it gets weirder than that. Saying how he’s big at PAX and so on. This got the attention of Gabe and Tycho who proceeded to cancel their booths at the con if it gets worse. Since then, Chris was fired, and is holding the N-Control accounts hostage like a baby after being cyberbullied tenfold over the customer. Goes to show, if you’re being a dick to people, it could cost you.

SOPA IS AN EPIC FAIL, VOTE FIVE STARS AND LEAVE A COMMENT. All this month, people were obsessing on “The Stop Online Piracy Act” or SOPA because it might destroy the integrity of the internet, or something stupid like that. It was the first “non-welcome” article I wrote for this new website, and it’s really annoying. Hey Destructoid, I know you’re Against SOPA and you’re moving servers away from Go Daddy in protest. But you might as well protest by not reviewing or using products by Nintendo, Sony, Electronic Arts, Apple and Microsoft. In other words, playing old Sega Dreamcast games while writing up articles on an old IBM Thinkpad running Linux. If it’s one thing I’ve noticed this year, is that protesting is useless. Internet protesting is twice as useless.

and finally, my favorite thing of December 2011 – Black Mirror. This twisted Twilight-Zone for Tech series, created by Charlie Brooker, takes a look believable worlds and realities if technology overpowers our civilization. The first episode deals with Social Media, The second episode deals with “User Interaction”, The third and final part deals with “Sharing your Memories”. All three are really brilliant episodes, and are great to watch, the first acts are usually slow, but it really does pick up towards Act 3. It’s fantastic!

AND THAT’S THE END OF 2011!

There are three events I forgot to bring up in the last articles, because I figure it’s time to predict WHAT 2012 HOLDS!

In May 2011, Harold Camping said THE RAPTURE was going to happen, the only rapture that happened was what was on my television playing Bioshock.

In October 2011, Harold Camping then said NO IT’S OCTOBER, and the only rapture that happened was I had food poisoning and vomited everywhere.

In 2012, Harold Camping will make ANOTHER PREDICTION about the Rapture with the 12/12/12 thing, and there will still be idiots who believe him.

In September 2011, Protesters camped outside of Wall Street to protest the unfairness of “The 1% over The 99%”. These Occupy Wall Street protests reached everywhere from London, to Los Angeles, to Washington DC in order to stop “The 1% from taking advantage of us”. If the problem was not enough jobs, it’s a pretty dumb idea to sit in a tent and camp out instead of looking for them. If the problem was taxes, with what money? You’re sitting in a tent you just bought at Wal-Mart with the tag still on it!

In Late November, they were all evicted, people from UC Davis were maced for protesting corporations, meanwhile people who camped outside of Wal-Mart for Black Friday deals were maced by a woman to get an X-Box 360 so rather you are for or against large corporations and businesses, you would end up being maced in the eyes.

In 2012, expect more macings and the Occupy people returning, but this time to camp outside Wal*Marts and not buy anything. TO HELP STRENGTHEN SMALL BUSINESS, DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND!

And finally, The Republican Debates. There are so many people from Ron Paul to Rick Perry to Newt Gingrich to Mitt Romney to Michelle Bachman. So many candidates and they all say the same thing – the goal is to beat Barack Obama. Some of them aren’t really specifying what they are going to do to “Beat Obama”, nor are they talking about what how they are different from the other candidates. Then again, I was more of a fan of Herman Cain, until he dropped out of the race. So now I am left waiting to see who doesn’t make the most ass out of themselves.

In 2012, expect one of these people to win and team-up with the person least like them in terms of plans. For the sake of laughter, we’re going with Newt and Perry. They enter the debate, Newt and Obama give a fantastic debate, it’s a war with words and it’s one of the best debates in the history of America. But when election time happens, people continue to vote for Obama, because they have this subconscious thought that if Obama dies, Biden would we a much better president than if Newt Dies and Rick Perry is in charge. Another four years of Obama, FOX News gets pissed, hope and change, hope and change.

And now we are in November, this is the time of year when television decides to cancel all of its “popular” shows in favor of their second chances. Also, it’s the time of year when video game companies unleash their “Triple A” Titles in the hopes that you buy them as Early Christmas presents. Also, Thanksgiving in the States, with hilarity ensuing.

NOVEMBER 2011

We start of with The Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, it’s held every year in New York. Sure it didn’t start this year, but this memorable scene in which beloved television weatherman Al Roker is kidnapped and saved by the Power Rangers Samurai, makes for one of the best things on during Thanksgiving.

In Video Games, We were celebrating birthdays. It was the 10 Year Anniversary of the original X-Box, and to celebrate, a video game was released - Halo: Combat Evolved Anniversary just updated the graphics of the X-box Launch Title and told the same story. It’s bizarre how playing against people in the original Halo sounded like children, now ten years have passed – and they still sound like children. It’s the NeverNeverLand of video games.

And it was the 20th Birthday of Mr. Needlemouse himself, Sonic the Hedgehog. In Sonic Generations, you play as the Classic, Chubby Sonic and the Modern, Obnoxious Sonic as you go through classic levels from various Sonic video games but re-imagined and with more “missions” to complete. Everything you liked about Classic games like Sonic 3 & Knuckles and Everything you hated about Modern Sonic games like Sonic 2006 is in here too.

If you loved Lego Island and Lego Island 2 : Brickster’s Revenger than more than likely you were thrilled with the announcement of Minecraft 1.0 the fresh-out-of-beta build your own adventure game is now available for the PC as well as your iPhone, Android Mobile and everything else that makes no since. If you’ve never played Minecraft and are freaking out over what the fuck is going on, that just means you’re more sophisticated in video games, embrace that while you can.

Yo Bro, did you pick up Call of Duty : Modern Warfare 3 yet? Dude, you’re missing out on the action, bro! Bro, there are guns and grenades and holy shit a plane crash and DUDE YOU FAGGOTS SHOT ME! Dude, we need to play co-op! Dude, don’t be such a faggot, you get the Mountain Dew, I get the Four Loko and we’ll kick up this Modern Warfare 3 Party Bro! Fuck Yeah Dude! Soap is back! Soap?

Ezio is back, this time in Constantinople (or Istanbul, if you like They Might Be Giants or History) finding out his ancestor, Altair. In Assassin’s Creed Revelations, you continue to play as Desmond Miles trying to find out about your ancestor, Ezio trying to find out about his ancestor, Altair. In this concluding part of “The Assassin’s Creed 2: Trilogy”, we finish of Ezio’s storyline and it sets up the stage for Assassin’s Creed 3 in which Desmond finally puts his sleeping in a chair that tracks his ancestor’s DNA to good use.

Uncharted 3 : Drake’s Deception is a beautiful game, and arguably one of the most fun titles you can have on your Playstation. Nathan Drake is back, his shirt half-tucked and his five o’clock shadow looking better than ever. Even if you call this “Tomb Raider with a Guy”, it’s still a well playing game that puts you in the middle of another Indiana Jones adventure. Plus, Subway Advertising!

It’s game of the year according to so many developers, but what makes The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim so exciting isn’t the hours upon hours of missions you can do in the game or the wide variety of customization, or the fact that enemies respawn in the game so you’ll never “finish” the game off. No, it’s actually the fact that it’s a Single Player experience that makes it the most exciting. In a gaming world with DLC packs, Online Co-op and Multiplayer Matches, it’s amazing how a game decided to not even bother putting it in the game, and instead focused on having the best Single Player experience you can have all year.

F0r Nintendo Wii owners who aren’t privileged to own an Xbox 360, a Playstation 3 or PC capable of playing Skyrim, they were stuck playing The Legend of Zelda Skyward Sword look at the gaming innovation as you are swinging the wiimote across the screen, look at how beautiful the game is. In Skyrim Sword, you… Sorry, I’m still distracted by Skyrim, those battles with dragons beat any battle against like-likes and Ganondorf any day…

People are looking at Saints Row : The Third as just a Grand Theft Auto clone. Please don’t look at it that way, if GTA was “Godfather”, Saints Row would be “Mafia!”, but actually fun to watch. GTA makes the game “serious” by having it be a dilemma about good versus evil, only sprinkling on a few comic reliefs in the form of the radio stations and the stores. Saints Row never takes itself seriously and instead gives you almost all the fun things right at the start of the game, with only more fun things unlocked as the story progresses and more insane shit you do in Stillwater. It’s one of my favorite games all year, I can’t put it down. I must play Professor Genki’s Super Ethical Reality Climax one more time…

Speaking of Movies, Tower Heist, that was a movie. Couldn’t tell you the genre, but it’s a movie.

Time for the cliche Arthouse Movie of the Month – My Week with Marilyn tells the story about a Director’s 3rd Assistant as he works on the classic Laurence Olivier movie “The Prince and the Showgirl” starring Marilyn Monroe. The “week” begins when Monroe’s husband, Arthur Miller leaves England and returns home to America. It’s a Drama, it’s a Biopic, it’s a ton of things. Plus, there was a movie within a movie. The only problem being the woman playing Marilyn Monroe was Heath Ledger’s girlfriend, Michelle Williams. She was a fantastic actress in the movie, but she did not look like Marilyn. To be fair, we weren’t expecting to find an actor who resembles Elvis Presley for the Elvis biopic either.

Some may argue that The Artist has the worst dialogue in any movie in the last thirty years of cinema, I disagree. The dialogue is fantastic and the words spoken throughout this movie are some of the best in modern time, even if it is a silent movie. The Artist deals with 1920s Hollywood actors dealing with the change from “Silent Films” to “Talkies” in addition to celebrity gossip and the introduction to the paparazzi. Very Compelling.

And if you’re a moron who watches cinema simply because “the actor is pretty cute”, then luckily Twilight : Breaking Dawn Part 1 might be your kind of movie. All you have to do is sit there and mope while Bella mopes and act like an Anime Fangirl meeting Vic Mignogna whenever Edward or Jacob appear on the screen. The major problem with these movies is the fact that although they’ve probably already read the books, the movies are trying to be released at a fast pace in order to not make audiences “grow out of them”. Even though just about every channel now has to have something involving vampires, werewolves or other movie monsters. Whatever happened to Blackula?

Hey everybody The Muppets are back! Kermit, Miss Piggy, Gonzo, Fonzie Bear and a dozen other muppets have returned and they haven’t aged one bit. The movie centers around, you guessed it, The Muppets as they try and revive their careers and the muppet theater from the evil “Tex Richman”. This movie was so controversial it actually caused Fox News during a slow news day to make it “a big deal“. TAKE THAT OCCUPY WALL STREET!

And finally, THE FUNNIEST MOVIE OF THE YEAR 2011 JACK AND JILL Get ready to LMFAO at Adam Sandler playing an Advertising Executive and Adam Sandler playing the Jewish Sounding Sister in a hilarious laugh-out-loud comedy! If that doesn’t make your sides split because of the thought of those two sharing a place together, wait til you meet the co-star Mr. Al Pacino! Your pants will be wet when you discover that he has a crush on Jill, and Jack wants to use him for his advertising campaign! What zanyness is going to happen in 2011′s Dunkin Donuts Comedy of The Year Dunkin Donuts? Well I am not going to tell you because it will be like explaining the jokes to the world’s funniest joke that you’ve never heard. Get ready to LOL with Jack and Jill!

Oh watch out, this post is HAUNTED! It’s very SPOOOOKY! It’s October the time of year when children are wondering who to be for Halloween – The Kid from Bakugan, The Scream Guy or Charlie Sheen. Surprisingly, the answer was none of them, instead it was “Mario & Luigi”. Which shows how messed up this month really was.

OCTOBER 2011

We start off October with a look at the only relevant horror movie that came out this month, Paranormal Activity 3. If you love the cheap scares and the thoughts of ghosts slamming doors and moving furniture and then jumping into the frame. This movie is for you, it’s still a cheap budget, but that’s about all you can dwell on. The acting wasn’t even that good, and the camera effects looked easily fake.

But if you wanted to see a Live-Action “Rock Em Sock Em Robots” movie, that did not have the franchise, there was Real Steel, It was one part “Rocky”, one part “Computer That Wore Tennis Shoes”, and one part “Transformers”. But the major selling point, granted the only selling point was the fact that Hugh Jackman was the star of the movie. But this felt like a Blockbuster Action Movie that they did not want to put up in the summer months because it’ll conflict with Transformers.

And hey kids, there is a new “Collect Them All”, toy and video game clusterfluff for you to enjoy, Skylanders : Spyro’s Adventure. In Skylanders, you control magical monsters and dragons (That you bought at Toys R’ Us), and then you put them on a portal that connects with the Xbox 360 and you get to play some video games with the monsters. It’s amazing marketing at it’s finest. The DLC isn’t just DLC you buy online, you buy it at Target and other places that sells toys.

Somethings you have to JUST DANCE… with Dance Central 2. In Dance Central 2, you move with the Kinect in choreography that mimics dance routines from the past and present. This is the modern day “Darren’s Dance Grooves“, but instead of a VHS Tape, they invented a video game. And that ain’t no lie… bye, bye, bye.

Who is ready to play the modern day “cheap death” video game? With Dark Souls, you die, a lot. You die and die and die and die and die and die. Moving ever so closer to completing any level or mission that went through you. It’s “Trial and Error”, and that error happens more often than you think.

Hey look, it’s futuristic first person shooter with modern technology! This is Battlefield 3, and you shoot things and blow things up. That’s it. The best part about this game, and the franchise that people forget about is how destructible the environments really are. I am a big fan of the physics engine in video games, and Battlefield doesn’t just leave it at dead bodies, they put it on everything from vehicles, to buildings.

Batman : Arkham City might be the best video game based on a comic book to date. You are traveling around the world of Arkham City, (Not Gotham, mind you) and taking care of all of the Asylum escapees who are reeking havoc on the town. Open World Superhero video games aren’t anything new, Spider-man has done it for years. But Arkham City almost perfects it, where there isn’t any real down time in the game as their always is something going wrong in the city. The only complaints being BOO HOO MY DLC ISN’T AVAILABLE UNTIL I BEAT THE GAME ON A CERTAIN MODE. And that is some bullshit.

Hey who remembers Home Improvement? Well luckily ABC remade Home Improvement, with their new show Last Man Standing. In this wacky, zany, sitcom. Tim Allen plays a grandfather, after his daughter, a mere teenager, had a baby. The jokes are – he doesn’t know about the internet and that he wants to threaten everybody. As Tim Allen always says “I’ll put you on my Hate 5 Oh-Ho-Ho!”

That wasn’t enough “Man” for ABC to pick up, that they also created the new sitcom Man Up. The ongoing joke is that the main characters are man children because they are playing video games. Get it? They are adults playing video games, that are made for kids… It’s as bad as you think, and they’ve cancelled the show. It almost felt like they were trying to remake “The Guild”, but somehow couldn’t understand what made people watch that show in the first place.

Over in England, Derren Brown is back and mind-fucking as ever with his new specials entitled Derren Brown : The Experiments. On this series, Derren Brown fucks with people to an Nth Degree such as making someone assassinate Stephen Fry, or get someone to believe that they’ve murdered somebody when they haven’t. In this episode, Mob Mentality is explained through a new comedy game show where the crowd decides rather or not the target gets something good happen to them, or something unpleasant. And as the night progresses, it gets worse for the guy. This is one of those shows where you watch going “how deplorable, i would never do that” but then you re-evaluate yourself and go “yep, still would never do that.”

Then MTV decided to bring back one of their most popular shows, Beavis and Butt-head. Yes, the “episodes” of Beavis and Butt-head are still in vein to the original series, they still call each other bunghole and buttmunch. The only major changes to the show are that technology progressed so they have “the internet” now and that MTV no longer plays music videos that much. I know, it’s a major shock that MTV no longer plays music, but Beavis & Butthead do try and riff on pieces of music videos in between footage of other MTV shows including “Jersey Shore” and “True Life”. The problem with those segments is that it makes Beavis & Butthead seem “smarter” with their insults and phrasing than in the episodes. What began as “Ozzy Rules!” is now “Like, this guy is supposed to be a guido…” You wonder how does Butthead know what a “guido” is, which ruins any character traits of them being stupid.

Andy Rooney had his final rant on 60 Minutes in October. He became the stereotypical vlogger who is ranting about useless bullshit. Only difference being that he has his own Andy Rooney Game where you take the first sentence of his rant, and his closing sentence and you put it together to make some  magic. One month later, Andy Rooney passed away at the age of 92. It is not going to be the same with Andy Rooney, a television icon and legend. And the best “bitter old person” that television ever had. I’ll miss you, Andy!

And finally, another significant death happened with Steve Jobs. Steve Jobs was the innovator and the creative mind behind Apple Computers, and brilliant items including the iMac, the iPod, the iPhone, iTunes, iPad, and the iPippin. You might not like Apple Computers, you might be one of those people who go “Macs Suck” (but in reality, you can’t afford it), but you have to admit that Steve Jobs did leave a major mark in the history of technology. Smartphones, Personal Computers and MP3 Players have all been changed forever. He even made the term “apps” mainstream. But people should have known this was going to happen, the man had pancreatic cancer. He was an excellent salesman, and a real dick in “Pirates of Silicon Valley”.